


And I Hope I Never Get Sober

by chickenrun



Category: Half-Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Depression, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Drug Withdrawal, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Smoking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-09-19
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:01:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25212832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chickenrun/pseuds/chickenrun
Summary: Gordon developed a problem in Black Mesa, and he's not ready to stop just yet. His friends grow concerned.A.K.A. Gordon freeman and the very bad no good morphine addiction
Relationships: Benrey/Gordon Freeman, Benrey/Tommy Coolatta, Benrey/Tommy Coolatta/Gordon Freeman, Bubby/Dr. Coomer (Half-Life)
Comments: 41
Kudos: 339





	1. I hope that our few remaining friends give up on trying to save us

**Author's Note:**

> TW for usual withdrawal symptoms. hes gonna throw up at some point in there just a heads up

It had only been a day after escaping Black Mesa when Gordon started to feel sick. 

He was moving into his new apartment with the science team when the first wave of nausea hit. He sat down, held his head in his hands and felt his entire body go cold. 

“Mr. Freeman, are you alright?” Tommy asked him, pausing what he was doing to go check on him. 

The other’s words were distant and warped, but Gordon nodded curtly. “Yeah. Fine. Just uh, just gimme a second.”

Tommy watched him for a moment, then kept moving boxes. If Mr. Freeman said he was fine, he didn’t want help.

Gordon took a few deep breaths, then tried to stand again. He braced himself against the wall and took another breath. He was fine. He had to be fine, there were people around.  
“Hey, thanks for all the help so far, but I can uh, I can take it from here for today. You guys can head home.” He announced to the group, doing his best to stand upright while he spoke.

Dr. Coomer and Tommy exchanged a glance.   
“If you say so, Gordon!” Dr. Coomer said with a cheery tone. “Make sure to get plenty of rest, now. Would you like us to come by tomorrow to continue helping?” 

“Uh, no, I think I can manage. Thanks, though. I’ll see you guys later.” Gordon offered a weak grin and waved as they left. 

Bubby stared at him for a moment, before scoffing and following Dr. Coomer.

Gordon watched him go. What was that about? He didn’t have much time to think about it before he keeled over, his head throbbing like it was shot and a whole new wave of nausea washing over him.

“Fuck”, he swore through his teeth and curled up on the couch again. His skin felt like a layer of ice had entombed him and his hands were shaking badly. He forced himself to take a few deep breaths. He would be fine, his heart was racing and he felt like he was dying, but he would be fine. 

He barely made it to the bathroom before he threw up. 

His world was fuzzy and his head felt like it was swimming, his body too hot and too cold all at once. Then he felt a hand on his shoulder. He startled, scrambling back and reaching for a gun that wasn’t there. 

“Calm down, it’s just me.” The face came into focus as the other gently put his glasses back in place. 

“Bubby? Jesus, y-you startled me, why are you still here?” Gordon asked, pushing his hair out of his face.

“I told Dr. Coomer and Tommy to head home. They didn’t ask questions. Come on, get up.” Bubby instructed, standing up and offering him a hand. 

Gordon took it and stood with him. “I… I dunno if you wanna be here, Bubby. I think I’ve got a flu or something, I might be contagious.”

Bubby laughed, a sharp sound. “I know what withdrawals look like, Gordon. Come on, I’ll get you some water.” 

Gordon paled and followed him silently, holding onto his arm like a lifeline. If he knew, did the others? How long had he known? His stomach twisted at the thought.   
“Um, how did you… know?” He asked, glancing at Bubby.

“Benrey was quite unnerved when you asked him to shoot you in Black Mesa. I don’t think he realised why you were asking. You scared him badly, you know.” Bubby said, guiding Gordon to the couch and getting a glass of water for him from the kitchen. 

Gordon stared at the floor. He’d scared Benrey? But- that didn’t matter, Benrey was dead. Gordon didn’t even like Benrey.

“Now you don’t have your HEV suit pumping you with morphine every time you get hurt, what are you going to do?” Bubby asked, handing him the water.

He took the water and took a hesitant sip. “I mean… what can I do? I wouldn’t know where to find it out here, and I don’t think they make prescriptions for it anymore, do they?”

Bubby huffed a laugh. “That’s of no concern. Do you want to go cold turkey, or do you want to wean yourself off?”

Gordon stared at him. “I… I just told you. I can’t wean myself off, I don’t have any access to anything.” He said, setting the glass on the side table and rubbing his prosthetic thumb with his biological one to calm his nerves. 

“I’m a chemist, Gordon. A skilled one at that. I’m insulted you don’t seem to think so too.” Bubby crossed his arms.

Then it clicked. “Wait, you could just… make morphine for me?” Gordon asked.

“I don’t see why not. If you don’t trust me I could always just set you up with a plug. Though I don’t recommend that, as it would mean less of a moral obligation to you to actually get clean.” Bubby shrugged, glaring at the man across from him. 

Gordon tried to ignore how… eager… this realisation made him feel.   
“Uh, in that case, I would much rather wean myself off it. Do you have any on you right now?” He asked.

“You think I carry opioids on me? No, not since the nineties. I can go get some for you now if it’ll help with the withdrawal.” He said, eyeing him warily.

“Yes, that sounds good. That sounds like- good. That would be good.” Gordon nodded.

Bubby stared at him for a few moments, then stood up. “I’ll be back in about twenty minutes. Drink some more water and lay down.” 

Gordon grinned and nodded again. “Thank you, Bubby. You’re a real lifesaver.”

Bubby grumbled something and shut the front door behind him.


	2. And I hope the junkyard a few blocks from here Someday burns down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yooo benrey real?

When Gordon got the call, he thought he was having a nightmare.

“Mr. Freeman? Are you there? I promise he’s nice now, he won’t hurt any of us.” Tommy’s voice called through the phone.

Gordon stared at the floor. A week had passed since they escaped Black Mesa, and suddenly their fucking antagonist was back? The guy who had tried to kill all of them? And Tommy was fine with this?

“Mr. Freeman, please don’t be angry. He wasn’t in control of himself when he was doing all that bad stuff. He’s sorry.” Tommy’s voice came again. Then it sighed. “Look, Mr. Freeman, we’re all meeting up at a coffee shop at three pm. I’ll send you the address. I understand if you don’t want to come, but it would mean a lot to me if you could make it. I hope to see you there.” And the line went dead.

Gordon shook his head to get out of his thoughts. Jesus Christ, this was too much. Okay. He could do this. What time was it now? He glanced at the clock on his oven. 1:34pm. He shook his head again and ran his hand through his hair. He started to pace around his living room. Benrey was alive. Why did that make him excited? Why did that make him happy?!

He stopped in his tracks. Three pm. He had an hour and a bit before he’d have to leave if he wanted to make it. He glanced at the bottle of pills on his bedside table. 

An hour and a bit later, he was walking to the cafe with a lingering high.

The cafe was close to his apartment, and when he arrived the science team was already there. Tommy lit up when he saw him and waved him over. Gordon nodded and sat beside Dr. Coomer in the booth.  
Sure enough, sitting beside Tommy as if he’d never died, was Benrey. 

“hey what’s up feetman. didn’t think you’d show.” Benrey said, his yellow eyes locking with Gordon’s from across the table.

The alien was dressed in a graphic tee and shorts with a baseball hat casting a shadow on his face. The baseball hat said, “FISH WANT ME, WOMEN SHRIEK IN HORROR AT MY TRUE FORM”.

Gordon glared at him. “Yeah, I was debating it myself. Not exactly happy about being stuck in a building with an apparently unkillable alien again.”

“Now, Gordon, there’s no reason to be upset. Benrey has apologised!” Dr. Coomer piped up.

“He has, Mr. Freeman. He didn’t mean to hurt us, it was just his programming.” Tommy included. “He was fighting to stop it the whole time.”

Gordon watched them as they spoke, then his gaze shifted to Benrey. He raised an eyebrow at him.

Benrey shifted uncomfortably. “um, yeah. basically what tommy said. whenever i would act up they took control. that was the skeletons. i didn’t… i didn’t wanna hurt you guys. i was trying to be nice.” He didn’t look Gordon in the eyes, rather focusing on the napkin he was tearing apart with his sharp nails.

Gordon… didn’t know how that made him feel. Well, he did, but he didn’t like it. It flooded him with relief, in all honesty. It made him so happy he could cry. But he didn’t.

“…okay. Fine. I believe you. How did you survive?” He asked, glaring at the man across from him.

Benrey shrugged. “i left with you guys, i’ve been chilling with tommy. idk how i didn’t die but god did nerf me. i don’t even have my epic gamer powers any more.”

Gordon felt his anger spike. “You- What?! Tommy, exactly how long has Benrey been back? Has he been with you this whole time?!” He asked, his glare snapping to Tommy.

Tommy visibly curled back. “I- I didn’t know how to tell you, Mr. Freeman! I waited because I w-was scared you’d react like this!”

“Gordon, that’s enough.” Dr. Coomer warned, fixing him with a serious look.

“What?! How are you guys just fine with this? Are you forgetting he tried to kill us?! Are you forgetting he got my fucking arm cut off?!” Gordon shouted, his hands balling into fists.

“People are staring, Gordon.” Bubby said, idly checking his nails.

Gordon glanced around. They were. Customers and workers alike. He sunk down a little and lowered his voice.  
“Look, I’m just saying. How do we know we can trust him?”

Tommy looked at him with confusion. “You just said you believed him. Why are you going back and forth?”

Gordon blinked. He had said that, hadn’t he? “I-I don’t know, okay? This is all just- really confusing! Okay?!”

The group fell silent for a minute, Gordon staring at the coffee in front of him. When had that gotten there? Had someone brought it? He took a sip. It tasted bad. 

“Okay. Benrey’s alive. And we all just- trust him?” He asked, his voice much quieter now.

“You trust me, don’t you? I wasn’t being forced to conspire against you. I don’t see why you shouldn’t trust Benrey. He didn’t even have a choice.” Bubby shrugged. 

Gordon thought it over. He took another sip of the bad coffee. He was starting to come down and the reality of the situation was hitting him. 

“Okay”, he muttered. “I’m gonna… go home.” He said, standing up. 

He made it halfway out the door when he realised Bubby was beside him.  
“Shit, you startled me. Quit doing that.”

“Have you contacted Kathleen yet?” He asked.

Gordon stared at the asphalt, not wanting to look Bubby in the eyes. “No. It’s- I just- I don’t want to. Yet. I will, just. Not yet.”

Bubby made very pointed eye contact with him. “And how is getting clean going?”

Gordon shifted his gaze, discomfort rising.  
“I was… um, I was actually going to ask about that.”

“You’re out already.” Bubby said. It wasn’t a question, and Gordon felt that like a dagger in his chest. He nodded.  
“Well I’ll drop some more off tonight. You’re an adult, I’m not going to tell you what to do. All I ask is that you practice moderation.” 

Gordon nodded again, rubbing the back of his neck. He glanced inside the cafe window and saw two slit pupils looking back at him. He looked away again. 

“Go on, go home. I’ll be there around eight pm.” Bubby said, then turned on his heel and joined the others inside again.

Gordon watched them interact inside for a moment. They were so happy together. With Benrey. Without him. 

He walked home alone.


	3. I hope we come out with a fail-safe plot To piss off the dumb few that forgave us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> gordon goes to tommy and benreys house for game night and manages to fuck it up lol

Tommy had invited him to his house for a “game night”. When Gordon has asked who would be there, the other had just said “Us!”. He assumed he meant himself and Benrey. 

It had been a week since he’d talked to any of them- other than Bubby- and he figured it could be a way to get used to Benrey’s… existence. 

So he found himself outside Tommy’s house at seven pm. Before he knocked, he held the little glass bottle of crushed morphine to his nostril and sniffed. He shook his head and wiped his nose, then cleared his throat in a further attempt to focus himself. He knocked on the door.

“Mr. Freeman!” Tommy grinned when he opened it, pulling him into a hug. 

“Tommy! Hey, how are you doing?” He hugged him back, then followed him inside.

“I’m doing well! Benrey has been helping me paint our bedroom. Come look!” He enthused, pulling the younger scientist along. 

Our bedroom? Their bedroom? As in, shared? Gordon blinked in confusion, but followed Tommy. 

“Look! Isn’t it pretty?” He grinned gesturing to the bedroom walls. They were painted with a warping array of colors, all converging and melting into eachother. It reminded him of something.

“it’s like, uh. sweet voice. s’posed to be anyway.” Benrey said, suddenly appearing behind Gordon.

“Jesus! Shit, what is with you and Bubby and scaring the shit out of me?” Gordon spun around, his arms positioned before him reflexively.

“i dunno. maybe you’re just. sucks. at noticing when we’re around. maybe it’s your fault.” Benrey shrugged. Even without the hat on, a shadow hung around his eyes. Gordon stared for a moment. Benrey’s eyes were entirely yellow, with small slit pupils like a cat. Except they weren’t small right now, they were pretty wide. 

Gordon shook himself out of it. “Uh, yeah. It looks good. The walls, I mean. Are we gonna play games or what?” He asked.

“Yeah, we can play games! Benrey, can you take Mr. Freeman to the living room? I’ll finish making dinner.” Tommy gave them both a big smile and left to the kitchen.

Then Gordon was alone with Benrey.

“do you wanna play video games or are you just gonna stare at me, bro?” Benrey asked, looking up at him.

“What?” How long had he been staring? He shook his head. “Sorry. I just- I spaced out, I guess. Yeah, let’s play video games.” He said, nodding towards the living room.

Benrey looked at him for a moment, then led him to the living room and turned on the PlayStation. 

“here. if you make a house i can focus on mining and getting iron and diamonds for us.” Benrey said, handing him a controller.

“What? Oh- oh, Minecraft. Right.” Gordon nodded, sitting on the couch. He stared down at the controller, then when he looked up at the screen he saw Benrey’s character standing in front of him. Garfield the cat was repeatedly crouching at him. Gordon looked back down at his controller, made his character crouch, then looked back up. Now Garfield was jumping up and down and crouching.

“haha, epic. alright im gonna go look for diamonds, you build the house.” Benrey said.

Gordon nodded in response. He could build a house. The morphine was really starting to hit him, though. Jesus, maybe he couldn’t build a house. This was harder than he thought. He tried, anyway.

A while later, he noticed Tommy was sitting next to him on the couch. There were two plates of spaghetti on the coffee table, and one on the floor where Benrey was sitting.

“Is it… avant-garde, Mr. Freeman?” Tommy asked.

Gordon looked back at the tv. The house didn’t… make sense. He had managed to fuck up building a house in Minecraft.  
“Ugh. I’m just… bad at this game.” Gordon sighed and ran a hand over his face.

“i dunno… i dunno how you fucked it up this bad, bro. lol. little uh. little stupid there huh?” Benrey teased, flashing a sharp-toothed grin up at him.

Gordon glared back at him. “Yeah. Little stupid. Why not?” He spoke through gritted teeth.

“Um, it’s okay, Mr. Freeman! Would you like me to take over building? Maybe you could just watch?” Tommy suggested. 

The scientist sighed and reclined in his seat, handing the controller to Tommy. 

“Sure. Fuck it, why not? Can’t even build a fucking Minecraft house right.” Gordon grumbled, crossing his arms and glaring at the screen.   
He noticed Benrey staring at him with a confused look on his face, a few blue to green balls of sweet voice floating out of his mouth.  
“What does that mean. What are you doing?” He glared down at Benrey. 

“Um, navy blue to chartreuse means, “I’m confused”, Mr. Freeman,” Tommy explained.

“What are you confused about? What the hell does that mean?!” Gordon asked, his tone rising in pitch as his own confusion grew.

Benrey curled away, still staring up at him. He was silent for a while before he finally spoke.  
“your eyes say you’re happy, but you’re not. i don’t understand.”

It took a second for what Benrey was saying to click, but when it did Gordon got up and stormed out of the room. Out of the house, even, but then he just sat outside the front door. He focused on breathing. Benrey had noticed. Benrey had noticed and he- he thought that human eyes worked like aliens do? Or cats, whichever Benrey was actually closer to. Benrey didn’t know he was high. He just thought his eyes were indicative of his feelings, that was fine, he could live with that.  
But Tommy had heard what he’d said. 

And speak of the devil, the front door crept open.  
“Um, Mr. Freeman? Do you mind if I join you?” Tommy asked.

Gordon sighed and shook his head, scooting over on the step where he was sitting. Tommy sat down beside him and pulled out a carton of cigarettes, then offered one to Gordon. 

He looked at it with a bit of bewilderment, then took it.   
“I didn’t know you smoked?” He said, letting Tommy light it for him and taking a drag.

“My fa- um- G-man. G-man smoked a lot when I was a kid. It was easy to pick up from him. Never paid attention when a few w-would go missing.” Tommy explained, lighting one for himself and taking a drag. He let the smoke coil out from between his lips, and Gordon found himself watching, completely entranced. He shook himself out of it.

“The resonance cascade must’ve been even worse because of that, huh?” He asked.

“Not, um, not really. Bubby kept nicotine gum in his locker anyway. He was- he was okay with sharing.” Tommy said. He was staring at the concrete in front of him, not wanting to look Gordon in the eyes.  
“But I don’t- I don’t want to um, talk about me. What’s going on with you?” He asked.

Gordon shifted uncomfortably and turned his gaze to the sidewalk too. “I don’t really wanna talk about it.” He mumbled.

“I-I didn’t wanna talk about the smoking thing,” Tommy said.

“Well you offered me a cigarette, what exactly was I supposed to do?” Gordon scoffed.

“And you came to my house high. S-So what am I supposed to do? Exactly?” Tommy finally looked over at him.

Gordon felt his heart sink into his stomach. Yeah, of course, Tommy had caught on. He wasn’t five.  
“Look, I’m sorry I was snappy, okay? If I promise to be nice can we just… put this behind us?”

Tommy stared at him for a few more moments, then looked down at the concrete again.  
“I-If that’s what you want, Mr. Freeman. Just please don’t be mean to Benrey. He’s having a really hard time. I-I don’t appreciate you making it harder.”

Gordon nodded and put out his cigarette on the concrete.   
“Right. I won’t. Sorry.” He said, standing up again and offering Tommy his hand.

Tommy put his cig out too and took the hand up, then led Gordon back inside.


	4. And I'd hope that if I found the strength to walk out You'd stay the hell out of my way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> here have some fluff.. mwah

When Gordon woke up, he wasn’t in his bed, which worried him. He looked around with a bit of panic, before he realised he was on Tommy’s couch. With Tommy and Benrey on either side of him, in fact. It was dark out, and the credits of a movie were rolling on the screen.

“Oh… I guess I fell asleep. Sorry. How did the movie end?” He asked, sitting up a little.

“Prince Char and Ella got married and they all sang and danced!” Tommy enthused.   
“It was so pretty! We can rewind it and watch it again, if you want!” He suggested, looking at Gordon.

“No, it’s okay, I’m sure it was beautiful, but I should really head home.” Gordon said, standing up and stretching.

“it’s dark out. not supposed to go out when it’s dark. dangerous.” Benrey mumbled, still curled up on the couch. “you should just. stay… stay here. it’s fine. it’s safe.”

Gordon shifted his gaze to Benrey and looked at him quizzically for a moment. “I’m fine, it’s only like, a thirty minute walk. Besides,” he paused, yawning and covering his mouth with his hand, “I’m a big boy. I’ll be fine.”

Tommy watched him, his foot tapping on the floor. “Are you sure, Mr. Freeman? You seem tired. It’s really okay if you just stay here.”

Gordon blinked and looked to Tommy. He wanted him to stay? Did… did Benrey want him to stay too? He took a second to process that.   
“I mean, if… if it’s not any trouble, I guess I could stay.” He said.

Tommy’s eyes lit up. “Yay! We can have a sleepover, Mr. Freeman! I’ll go make popcorn!” He said, getting up and dashing to the kitchen. 

“yeaaahh, feetman sleepover! we should paint each other’s nails!” Benrey grinned up at him, sounding entirely sarcastic.

Gordon glared down at him. “I- I can’t tell, are you being serious?”

“huh? yeah why would i not be. tommy has been teaching me. i can do flowers and everything.” Benrey said, still grinning up at him.

Gordon stared at him for a few more moments. He genuinely couldn’t tell if the other man was being serious. He sighed and sat down on the couch again.   
“Sure, man. Why the fuck not.” He laughed a little. 

“yeesss. i’ll go get the paints.” Benrey hopped up and ran off to some other room in the house.

Then he was alone in the living room. He sighed and reclined in the seat. The others seemed excited to have him staying over. Why? They were obviously fine… together. On that note, Gordon wondered, were they like… together? They were sharing a bed and everything. Maybe they were just good friends. They would have told him, right? He sighed and ran a hand through his hair.   
A thought popped into his head. He looked around, checking if it was safe to act on it. Both of them were out of the room. He pulled the little jar out again and put the top in one nostril, inhaled deeply, then wiped his nose and put it away. He relaxed against the couch and let the feeling of euphoria wash over him.

“okay, i got the paints. what color do you want?” Benrey asked, sitting cross legged next to Gordon on the couch. 

Gordon snapped to attention and turned to him.   
“Um, uh… orange?” He asked, shifting in his seat a little.

“got it.” Benrey mumbled. He got to work quickly, pulling out an orange nail polish bottle and gently taking Gordon’s hand in his. Gordon found himself watching, not saying a word. Benrey’s hands were small, as far as hands went. They were round and blueish with pink nails, a sharp contrast to Gordon’s more rectangular, larger, tan hand. His gaze wandered up, and he ended up studying Benrey’s face. He was concentrated, his tongue poking out the side of his mouth. His eyes were… captivating. All yellow, no whites to be seen, with small slit black pupils in the center. 

Suddenly Benrey looked up at him, and Gordon watched as his pupils dilated almost to fill his eyes. Then he- then he blushed? Benrey blushed. Then he was looking away, a few pink balls of sweet voice slipping out of his lips. 

“i said. uh. what do you. think. of the nails.” Benrey mumbled.

Gordon blinked and looked down. Sure enough, his nails were now a vibrant orange.  
“I like them. Thank you.” He said.

The two were quiet for a moment.

“I got the popcorn!” Tommy suddenly announced, startling both of them. “I made it special, it’s got garlic butter on it!”

“Oh, that actually sounds… really good.” Gordon noted, reaching for some as Tommy sat down beside him. Then he felt a sharp slap on his wrist.  
“Ow! What the hell?” He turned to Benrey, who looked a bit panicked.

“your um. your nails. i-it’d be pretty- pretty dumb there to uh. get the nail paint on the. the popcorn. wait until it dries.” Benrey said, not looking him in the eyes.

Gordon sighed and sat back against the couch again.  
“Wasn’t the point of me staying here that I could sleep? Because I was too tired to get home on my own?”

“Well, yeah, but we got excited, Mr. Freeman. If you want to go to sleep, that’s okay.” Tommy mumbled, also avoiding his eyes now. 

“No- no, it’s fine. I’m not that tired. We can do whatever it is you wanna do.” Gordon said, sighing again and realising he probably wouldn’t be able to sleep any time soon.

“we could uh. watch a movie. watch another movie. unless you’re too pussy, uh, feetman.” Benrey suggested.

“Sure. What movie?” He asked, levelling a quick glare at Benrey.

“Um, since I chose Ella Enchanted, maybe one of you could pick a movie?” Tommy suggested.

Benrey suddenly gasped, then closed his mouth. He started to flap his hands, rocking a little. 

“What is it? Do you have a movie you want to watch?” Tommy asked.

Benrey nodded vigorously, then opened his mouth to speak- except a few dozen sweet voice balls came out instead. He waved them away in the air, then took a few breaths.   
“um, pacific rim? please? pacific rim?”

“Oh hell yeah, I love pacific rim!” Gordon grinned. “We should totally watch it!” 

Tommy nodded in agreement and pulled it up on the tv. Sunkist wandered in from another room just then, and hopped up on the couch with them.

“Sunkist! Hi, baby! You gotta stay quiet during the movie, okay? You can sit with us, but you can’t have any popcorn.” Tommy grinned and patted his lap after handing the popcorn to Benrey, and Sunkist jumped up on his lap.

Gordon watched, smiling. Maybe this was fine. If they really wanted him here, who was he to say no? He still felt like he was intruding, but he managed to stuff that feeling down somewhere inside his chest. This was fine. He was fine.

An hour and fifty minutes later, he felt Tommy gently shake him awake.  
“Movie’s over, Mr. Freeman. Do you want to go to bed?” 

Gordon sat up and rubbed his eyes. “I… uh, yeah. Sorry. Just tired today I guess.” He said, standing up and stretching. 

“kinda. cringe at uh, staying awake. feetman. you slept through the best part of the movie.” Benrey teased him, stretching out on the couch like a cat. 

He scoffed. “I’ve seen that movie like, ten times. I know like every story beat. I don’t need to watch it through every time.”

“Do you need pyjamas, Mr. Freeman?” Tommy asked, folding up the blanket that had been over them and putting it on the couch. 

“Oh, uh, that’d be good, actually.” He said, following Tommy to their bedroom. Tommy gave him an old band shirt and some basketball shorts, which he changed into in the bathroom. When he returned to the bedroom, Benrey was piling blankets from all over the house on top of the bed.

“Wait, are we- are we all going to share the bed?” Gordon asked. 

“If that’s okay with you, Mr. Freeman.” Tommy said, looking at him with an expression Gordon couldn’t quite read. 

He stared for a moment. “Uh, yeah. That’s fine.” He said, joining them on the bed. Benrey and Tommy made quick work of cuddling up to him, Tommy spooning him from behind and Benrey curled up in a ball in his arms. Tommy leaned over and turned the light off, then went back to his position.

Gordon found he felt safer than he had in years.


	5. Our friends say it's darkest before the sun rises We're pretty sure they're all wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> LOL sorry i disappeared for two months i hope you still love me <3

Something rustled nearby him. Gordon woke up immediately, his hand going again to a gun that wasn’t there. He peered into the darkness, trying to see what caused the noise.

He caught a glimpse of Tommy leaving the room.

He was probably just going to use the restroom. Gordon let out a small sigh of relief. Then he saw a light turn on in the kitchen.

Gordon moved to get up and realized he was being held in place. Benrey was clinging to him, heavy and unmoving. Shit. He tried to pry his way out of his grip, but Benrey only held on tighter.

“…gave it to him? You didn’t think it would do any harm?” 

Gordon strained his ears and quieted his breathing, trying to hear the hushed conversation from the other room.

“I’m fully aware that he’s an adult, Bubby. But he’s also our friend. You’re letting him hurt himself.”

Tommy was talking about him. His blood ran cold. Tommy was- was talking about him with Bubby, talking behind his back.

“No, he’s not handling it responsibly! He came to my house high out of his mind! He freaked Benrey out too, this isn’t acceptable.”

Gordon felt like his head was full of static. They were talking about him. Behind his back. He got up, forcibly prying his way out of Benrey’s arms. The man in question whined and groggily rubbed his eyes, sitting upright.

“wha’s goin’ on?” He mumbled, watching Gordon change into the clothes he had arrived in.

“I’m going home.” Gordon said.

“it’s like… too early, man. sun is barely even up. why are you leaving?” Benrey asked, stretching his arms above his head and yawning.

Gordon didn’t answer him, he just pulled his hoodie on and left the room.

“-worried about…” Tommy trailed off as he saw Gordon leave the bedroom and head for the front door. “I have to go, Bubby.” He hung up and rushed to Gordon’s side.  
“Mr. Freeman, what’s wrong? Where- Where are you going?” 

“Fuck off”, Gordon grumbled, trying to figure out how to unlock the front door.

Tommy froze for a moment, his heart sinking. “Mr. Freeman, please, just talk to us. We’re here for you.”

“I don’t- I don’t need you to be here for me, Tommy! I don’t need you to be- to be fucking calling Bubby and talking about me behind my back!” Gordon snapped, turning to him.

This gave Tommy pause. He had overheard his conversation with Bubby. “I’m… I’m sorry I upset you, Mr. Freeman, but wouldn’t you do the same if one of us were in your position?”

“No, I wouldn’t! Because we’re all adults! I can handle myself, and I respect you enough to think you can do the same!” He insisted, his fists balling at his sides.

“woah, uh. gordon madman. grumpyman. what’s… what’s going on?” Benrey spoke up, standing in the bedroom doorway.

The two paused. Gordon then went back to fiddling with the lock. Tommy sighed.

Gordon got the door open and stormed out.

“Shit.” Tommy huffed and followed.   
“Mr. Freeman, come back, please!” 

Gordon kept walking.

“Mr. Freeman, at least let me drive you home!”

No response.

“Fucking hell, Gordon, come back here!” Tommy shouted.

Gordon froze. Shit. Shit, what was he doing? He’d made Tommy upset enough to use his first name?

Tommy joined him at his side. “Come back inside, Mr. Freeman. Please. Let’s just talk.”

He felt frozen, but he nodded and followed Tommy back inside. He sat at the kitchen table, staring at the grains in the wood. What the hell was he doing? Tommy was worried about him, and he had… he had reacted like that. Of course he would be worried if one of the others was in his… position. He had upset Tommy enough to make him use his first name.

“I’m sorry I upset you by talking about you to Bubby. I really am, Mr. Freeman. You have to understand where I’m coming from, though.” Tommy sighed, sitting at the table across from him.

“is anyone going to tell me what’s going on?” Benrey asked, irritation peaking through his tone.

Gordon looked up at him then. Benrey was an alien, sure but he was still… well, not human. But something like it. And he was Gordon’s friend, more importantly. He sighed and looked away again.

“I- I’m sorry. I’m just going through a rough patch right now. Tommy got worried.” He mumbled, looking at the table so he didn’t have to meet their eyes.

“oh… can we help?” Benrey asked, sitting on the table.

“No, that’s- that’s what I’m saying. I don’t need help. I’m- I’m okay, really. I’ll quit on my own. Soon.” Gordon sighed.

Benrey stared at him, his pupils filling his eyes. “i’m lost again. quit what?”

Gordon met his eyes for a moment, then diverted his gaze again.  
“I…” he sighed, “In black mesa, the HEV suit would give me a painkiller whenever I got injured. The painkiller is addictive.”

Benrey’s eyes widened more. “wait you- that’s why you wanted to get hurt? that’s why you- you asked me to shoot you?”

Tommy’s heart seized. “You- You did what? You asked him to shoot you?!”

Gordon tensed and kept his eyes locked on the table. “I… yeah. I thought… I thought Benrey hated me. I didn’t think he would, um, mind.” Then his mind caught something Benrey had said.   
“Wait, Benrey, why did you think I asked?” He looked up, only to see Benrey wiping his eyes.

“i- i mean, shit, feetman, i feel like that’s obvious.” His voice was strained, his eyes wet.

“Shit. Oh my god, Benrey, I- I’m so sorry I made you think that. I’m- I’m not suicidal, really, I’m so sorry.” He said, feeling guilt coil in his chest.

“yeah, whatever. just don’t- don’t do that shit again, man.” Benrey sniffled, looking away.

Tommy was staring at Gordon, trying to figure out if he was outraged, disappointed, horrified, or some mix of the three.  
“That… That’s fucked up, Mr. Freeman. I’m mad at you.” 

Gordon felt the guilt in his chest grow, twisting his guts. “It… I didn’t think he would… think that. I didn’t mean to.”

Tommy was quiet, still staring, his lips pulled tight.

The three were quiet for a few moments as Gordon’s guilt writhed, Benrey dried his tears, and Tommy tried to calm down.

Tommy was the first to speak.  
“You’re right. You’re an adult, Mr. Freeman. But you’re our friend. I don’t want to watch you hurt yourself.”

Gordon nodded, refusing to meet his eye.

“Do you want to get clean?” He asked.

Gordon hesitated. He didn’t, really, not at all. But he was beginning to realize the harm it was causing his friends. And Joshua… he didn’t want to think about the possibility of hurting his son.

“Yes”, he mumbled.

“Do you want our help?” Tommy asked.

Gordon fell silent again. No, he didn’t want their help. He didn’t even want them to know in the first place.

Tommy sighed. “Okay, let me rephrase. Please be honest. Do you need our help?”

He felt awful. He felt pathetic, like he was the worst person to ever live. He was hurting his friends and the worst part was that he couldn’t even get better without their help.

He nodded.


	6. And I hope we hang on past the last exit I hope it's already too late

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> shorter chapter but bubby is my fave character so here. btw who do you guys wanna see more of? i know i barely have any dr coomer in here but ill fix that soon

“Gordon, are you listening?” Bubby scowled.

He snapped to attention, glancing around. The bright lights of the cafe made his head ache, but he blinked and focused his attention on the man in front of him again.

“Yeah, yeah, sorry. Just uh- got distracted. Stuck in my head.” Gordon said, nodding curtly.

Bubby narrowed his eyes at him but continued talking. He was going on about Dr. Coomer, he had been for over an hour now. He had started by explaining why he wasn’t here with them at the cafe, but quickly devolved into every single aspect of the book he was writing, and how hard he was working on it, et cetera. It was also accompanied by backhanded compliments and straight-up insults, everything from, “But I guess that would be too advanced for you”, to, “And he looks wonderful in that shirt, unlike you, Christ, do you really think you can make polos work?” 

As far as Bubby went, he was obviously in a good mood and he was being fairly nice to him. 

“But you clearly don’t care about your good friend Harold, because once again you’ve stopped listening. So tell me, what has your mind so enraptured you can’t bare to listen to me for more than a minute?” Bubby snapped him out of it once again, his glare like daggers in Gordon’s skull.

“Oh… shit. Sorry.” He mumbled, scratching the back of his head and looking away. “I just… um… sorry. I’m just out of it today.”

“Bullshit”, Bubby scoffed. “Is this about the call I got from Tommy this morning?”

Gordon tensed. God, the grains of wood on the table were really quite interesting, weren’t they?   
“Yeah… I mean, I snapped at them, but they were nice and stuff. But now they know.”

“That’s the problem with addiction, Gordon. It becomes a black hole in your life. Even if the people around you can’t see it, it pulls them down with you. Or worse, breaking the metaphor, it pushes them away. It’s better that they know and they can take a step back if they need to than them being clueless and getting hurt.” Bubby’s tone was quieter than usual, partially out of courtesy for Gordon’s privacy and partially… something else.

Gordon didn’t look up, but he couldn’t feel Bubby’s eyes on him anymore.

“You’re a good person, Gordon. As much as it pains me to say that. I don’t feel comfortable aiding you in your quest to destroy your life.” Bubby said. 

Gordon winced at the words. They felt a little… dramatic. It wasn’t as bad as Bubby was making it seem, was it?

“You can either quit cold turkey, ween yourself off with my help, or find someone else to get it from. I won’t take part in this any longer.” He said, still not meeting Gordon’s eyes.

He tensed, Bubby’s words sparking something in him. He grit his teeth. He wouldn’t lash out at another person, he wouldn’t. 

“That… isn’t fair, Bubby. You know that isn’t fair.” He said, his voice a harsh whisper.

“It is. You’re never going to just decide to quit one day, Gordon. This is the rest of your life. There’s never going to be a day when it stops. You can quit now, with the help of your friends, or you can lose all of us and overdose alone.” Bubby said, his tone sharpening by the word.

Gordon balled his fists. “That’s not- why can’t you just- you don’t think you’re being overdramatic? I’m not- I can quit any time, I just don’t want to right now! Things are tough right now, I just- I just went through the worst part of my life!” He argued, his words just quiet enough the other patrons of the cafe wouldn’t hear.

Bubby met his eyes, a sharp glare cutting through him.  
“You’re never going to want to quit. This is the rest of your life, Gordon. It’s now or never.”

Gordon stared back at him defiantly. “I have this under control.”

“You really don’t.” Bubby scoffed.

“You know what? Fuck this. I’ll find someone else if you’re gonna be a fucking dick about it.” Gordon stood up, pulling his jacket on, and headed out the door. 

“You’re making a mistake”, Bubby called after him, his voice a sing-song taunt.

“Fuck off!” Gordon shouted back, earning a few stares from the customers of the cafe.  
He pulled the hood of his jacket over his head and shoved his hands in his pockets, storming all the way home. Where was he going to find someone else? How was he going to find someone else? He didn’t know the first thing about drug dealing, the most he’d ever done was accidentally blow the water out of a bong in college. 

He decided not to think about it for the time being. He just got to his apartment, locked the door, and took a pill before collapsing on his couch.

He would deal with it later.

He would quit later.


End file.
